Sometimes I think I'm senile and other times I think I'm manic depressive.. -probably 'cos I haven't really been close to either disorder but I still do think I have the tendencies. (don't we all, come to think of it?)
I remember a year back and remember thinking: "will I ever grow up? will I ever learn self-control?" 'cos you know, I really do expect these things of myself! I've always had a firm belief in myself (or is it God in me?) although I must admit that sometimes this belief dwindles and - looking at the ppl around me - I'm discouraged because of their development (egocentric, I know..) and because of all the problems I've caused in the last year. I've made two old friends royally mad at me and seriously messed up two other people. -and my 'depressive tendency' (wouldn't call it a depression) is only amplified by those aforementioned odd movies..
"Dear God! I've proved to myself yet again that without You I can't function. Without You, my world falls apart. You're my hope, my peace and my love. Thanks for your forgiveness that causes you to not base Your view of me on my sins but rather on Your love for me.. Thank You for Your mercy that is above clichés, above the empty philosophy of the world and above all the grandiose lies of Satan - the freaking loser!
Keep me, o make me! Be my centre, my outer and all in between. Be my logic, be my reason. Yes, be my life 'cos You're the Answer to the cries of the hearts of all the people in this world who we think have it all together, all the people who carry themselves too well. God, they have sometimes fooled me with their self-deceit but I am fooled no more! You are the Answer and the only one in which we can place our confidence because Your Wisdom puts to shame all the self-crowned wisdom of man. Nuts! God, it really is true that to You, all men are merely like the grass of the field! -so tall, grandiose and all encompassing, to ourselves when in reality, we're as fragile, dependant and as simple as grass.
My worth as a human being, God, is derived from the value that You have placed on me. My influence on Your indescribable HEART - the ever beating HEART of the Maker - is way out of proportion; to my advantage! The words "humbled" and "thankful" do not convey even in part the Reality of my life!
So in spite of the stark contrast between the majesty and grandeur of our beings, God, You have made it possible for me to smile peacefully and truthfully and say something as simple as:
Goodnight God..."
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